Let's define forgiveness: There is no one great answer to this question. In general, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentments and thoughts of revenge. Forgiveness is the act of untying yourself from thoughts and feelings that bind you to the offense(s) committed against you.
Does forgiving someone condone what they did or forget the actions? No, not at all. Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting what happened to you. The act that caused you pain may always remain a part of your life. But forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, amazing positive parts of your life. Forgiveness also doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.
Interestingly enough research has been done to people who have forgiven and those who hold the grudge. The results show the following benefits to forgiveness.
- Lower blood pressure
- Stress reduction
- Less hostility
- Better anger management skills
- Lower heart rate
- Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse
- Fewer depression symptoms
- Fewer anxiety symptoms
- Reduction in chronic pain
- More friendships
- Healthier relationships
- Greater religious or spiritual well-being
- Improved psychological well-being
If the person who has hurt you is no longer in your daily life sometimes it feels easier to forgive because you are not constantly reminded of things that took place. Often those who hurt us are the people closest to us. It's unfortunate, but true.
If you really think about it, life is too short not to forgive. Why waste what time you do have alive spending your days depressed, bitter, and angry about the past? Let go of those ill feelings and embrace a new you and watch your desires come to life! Refocus your energy on things that make you happy. Start a yoga class, or go biking, take a vacation to clear your head. In some cases leaving the very situation or relationship that is causing you pain is the best option. You can regain clarity and make your own decisions that create the life you want. In other cases working together with the one who has hurt you if this is a possibility can be a wonderful thing.
The process of letting go starts with you. You make a choice to hold onto the grudge or not to. Ask yourself how you are benefiting from these actions? Is how you're feeling helping you? Is this who you want to be? What can you do to open the doors to the forgiving process? Think about these questions and answer them. Start a journal and write your thoughts down. Even if all you do is write about the very things that hurt you, never read it, then destroy the papers you are learning to release those feelings. Talk with someone you trust who can be unbiased as you let go of these feelings. Once you accomplish your goals you will notice a tremendous difference in how you feel, how often you smile, who you are surrounded by and more.
Here is a good question: What if you are the very person who needs to be forgiven? How do you forgive yourself? A good start would be spending some time thinking about the offense(s) you've committed and trying to determine the effect it has had on others. Unless it may cause more harm, consider admitting the wrong you've done to those you've harmed, speaking from the heart of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically asking for forgiveness — without making excuses for your actions. Know that you can't force someone to forgive you either. You may need to exercise patience during this process as well.
In any case, we have to be willing to forgive ourselves. Holding on to resentment against yourself can be just as toxic as holding on to resentment against others. Recognize that poor behavior or mistakes don't make you worthless or insignificant. As long as you are able to recognize your actions to have been harmful to another you are moving in the right direction to freeing yourself for a life filled with peace, compassion, and joy!
